


If At First You Don't Succeed....

by C-chan (1001paperboxes)



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27531979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1001paperboxes/pseuds/C-chan
Summary: The idea to make a Good Place neighbourhood was new, exciting, and meant all kinds of novel, bespoke torture.The plan was absolutely perfect, and there was absolutely no way that he could fail.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15
Collections: Fic In A Box





	If At First You Don't Succeed....

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sidewinder](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sidewinder/gifts).



#### 1

This place was meant to be different. It was meant to be _perfect_. 

He’d set everything up to perfectly replicate one of the Good Place neighbourhoods, or at least what he believed the Good Place must be like. After all, what was more Good Place-ish than a cheery multicultural neighbourhood with the sort of nondescript European architecture that looked as though it had come straight out of a Disney park? Of course, everything had to be a little off, like frozen yoghurt instead of ice cream and enforcing soulmate dyads instead of entertaining even the possibility of polycules, the sort of little things that would cause some passive torture when nothing else was going on. 

And best of all, he'd be right there overseeing the whole thing. He looked forward to creating a new sort of bespoke torture, finding new and unique ways to really dig into his assigned subjects and all they hated, and make this little piece of paradise its own hell on not-earth. 

That was the best part of all, really. 

Sure, there wasn’t the same level of physical viscera as one would get by eye-gouging, penis-steamrolling, or a good old-fashioned disembowelment, but there was something much more satisfying about taking the very things that a person said, or that made them what they were, and using that against them. Like making nightmare scenarios out of offhand comments. Or working Eleanor’s impostor syndrome to make her believe that she really _was_ an imposter, and therefore should accept living in a house full of clowns because the real Eleanor Shellstrop loved clowns. Man, psychological torture was the _best!_

He'd done such a good job, too, guiding them all down the wrong paths with a cheery, professional smile and watching as they unwittingly tortured themselves time and time again.

And then, at the crux of it all, just when they hit a big climax meant to send them down at least two months of panic, and set the tone for a low-grade level of anxiety for at least the next century, Eleanor Shellstrop figured it out.

That motherforking birch was clever, sure, but she wasn't supposed to be _that_ clever.

But perhaps that was just one of the kinks to be expected of his first time developing a new neighbourhood. Or perhaps this was the sort of thing that no architect had realized before because they never really got to see their plans in action. Like, were all good Janets prone to fall in love, or was it just a defect in the one he stole? Certainly, bad Janets were good for a one-night stand, especially if you liked getting blown apart from the inside out and put back together multiple times in the course of an hour. (It was an exquisite experience, according to Bambajan. Left you sore the next day in all the wrong places.) And sure, they knew that humans were reticent to torture each other, but actually working together? That was new.

But that was okay. He could work this out. All it would take was getting Shawn's approval, and he'd take this new information and make a new Good Place that was bigger and badder than ever.

There was nothing, whatsoever, that could possibly go wrong.

* * *

#### 2

Everything was wrong. 

This whole reset thing was supposed to be easy. He had the data now. He was supposed to be able to predict every move those humans would make—they'd made them before, after all! But Tahani gave the drunken speech that Eleanor was supposed to give, and apparently all of his underlings were incapable of keeping tabs on even _one_ human, let alone four, and Chris apparently didn't know the difference between an example excuse and using "I'm going to the gym" as a fix-all catchphrase.

And then, naturally, because things could not get any worse, Eleanor figured it out on day one!

Oh well. At least it was quick enough that he could just sweep it under the rug as a false start. Shawn didn't need to know a thing. And in the morning, they could start again.

* * *

#### 3

The good thing about having to reboot again and again was that he got to try various new ideas to see what would stick.

For instance, he could make all the restaurants serve california rolls. Or aspic. Or items topped with Cheez Whiz. Or he could have everyone wear cargo pants to torture Tahani, or play nothing but classical music to further confuse Jason. There could be times when everyone was a clown, and times when no-one knew that clowns existed. Times with animals, and times without animals, and times when everyone had animal soulmates, and times when those soulmates were swarms of bees.

And he could play with the soulmates too, and try every different combination to see what made the biggest spark of stress and enmity over time.

Gay Panic Good Place was one of Michael's favourites.

Sure, it had taken a few tries to get there, and Eleanor seemed really into having Tahani as a soulmate, but the way she kept casually objectifying her was just so reminiscent of the kind of workplace harassment that he'd relished back in the old office. Plus, it was great watching Chidi stress over the various types of love in the universe, and whether or not he felt comfortable bedding down with Jianyu after identifying as straight for his whole mortal life.

But like all bad things, that version ended far too soon. Oh well. Onto attempt #219.

* * *

#### 4

There had been several low points over the three hundred-odd years of attempting to make this work.

There was the time that they'd tried to make everything fade in and out of existence after Chidi had tried to explain about various perception theories, and about Shroedinger's cat. Apparently his favourite bow-tie didn't like both existing and not existing at the same time, and had disappeared somewhere into the void.

There was the time that Gunner bit Tahani in half, right in the middle of a dinner party. Needless to say, that was the end of attempt #129.

There was the time that Eleanor refused to participate in anything at all, because for once she had remembered Janet's name and got her to make a secret base where she could watch trashy movies and drink raspberry schnapps for all eternity.

But Jason figuring out that this was the bad place? That was a brand new low.

* * *

#### 5

Michael was many things: an architect, a demon, and a 6,000 foot tall giant fire squid covered in teeth, to name a few. But there was one thing that he wasn't: a quitter.

That said, perhaps there was a difference between righteously continuing fighting the bad fight, and knowing when to fold to protect his own skin. After all, Vicky had written that extensive report, and those humans were lowering the average timespan between reboots with each passing decade. And if Shawn really did find out, his lifeforce would be on the line either way.

Maybe learning about moral philosophy didn't sound like the most fun way to spend time in this literal hell of his own design, but it certainly beat experiencing The Eternal Shriek. Plus, he'd come to enjoy various things about human life. He liked the sports, and the interpersonal drama. And he especially liked _Friends_.

So perhaps, this time, he'd let himself learn from the humans. At the very least, it would get Vicky off his back for a while as they explored her idea of what the Good Place should be like. And at best, well, he'd either come out with his own band of friends, or some new ideas to try when it was his turn to lead the torture once again.

* * *

#### +1

The Good Place architects didn't want to kick him out. 

The Good Place architects wanted to make him one of them.

The Good Place architects shoved responsibility of the entire Good Place into his hands, and then ran away.

To be fair, they'd had a lot of bad ideas over the years. Like music you can eat—what was that, even?—or giant mini doughnuts—like, were the dimensions different?—or, frankly, everything on the whiteboard they'd left him.

But Michael had come up with more bad ideas. And what's more, he'd been given a luxury that they hadn't: the chance to reboot and start again. And if he'd been able to take those bad ideas and turn them into a whole new system for how to judge people in the afterlife, then maybe he could take on the Good Place, too.

And if not, well, he knew exactly who to turn to for help. Because even if rebooting the Good Place was out of the question, the friends that he'd made through the reboots would be there to aid him every step of the way.


End file.
